Sitting here a week after getting out of the hospital, I had to write about how good I feel. My recovery has been a wonderful journey filled with lots of pain, hardships, and confusion followed by blessing after blessing after blessing. I am happy because when I look around me , I see everything I wanted to happen happen. I've always to have the lifestyle that included waking up meditating, praying , yoga, getting my thoughts together, and having a career. Having bipolar made it hard for me to hold a job because of mood swings, anxiety and much more. After years of living in a dark cave, I prayed for a light to show me the way out. One tool was alcoholics anonymous. I'm not a drinker, but since that did trigger my last hospital stay, I figured why not revisit the past. I've come a long way , and I could have felt like I crashed and started all over. I am a server, a travelling artists, help out with NAMI, and a soon to be father. I find a way to manage exercise, eating very healthy, and still be able to handle my self care. I think what broke me recently is that I wanted to help so many people that I forgot to help myself. I realized that I can't rob anyone of their own life changes. I can just accept them as they've accepted me. I can only be patient as they have been with me. I can only stay positive. I have so many goals that I'm looking forward too. Lately I've had a lot of hardships , but GOD, GOD , GOD has been my everything. Regardless of a car wreck, getting pick pocketed for $900.00 , ending up in Green Oaks, I've managed to stay positive. It's just a reminder to me that I can handle this. No matter how bad it seems things are, they might not actually be.
I'm sitting here wishing I had someone to talk to. Instead , I've found when no one's around (Yes, I know God is, and I have prayed) that I can find journaling therapeutic. With that being said, I'm here tonight/day to talk about my hospital release. I guess it would be logical to start off explaining what triggered all this. I don't want to let the world all my business, but I had an episode of mania and suicidal ideation. I called the police on myself actually. I did it out of fear of hurting someone. Lately, I've found it hard to be able to handle my fiance's mood swings. along that I've had to be the bread-winner since she has been out of work for quite some time. Obviously the career I have alongside becoming a dad for the first time. There's more, but you get the point. What can I say, I lost it. I ended up in Green Oaks , and thank God because the cops ( MIND YOU I CALLED AND ASKED TO TALK TO THE CIT UNIT) wanted to take me to jail instead of the hospital. Due to my wonderful girlfriend, she explained my condition to the cops and they took me to where I needed to go. NOT JAIL! As I rode in the squad car I could hear the cops saying I was crazy. Some CIT unit huh ? Yeah , Texas needs more education and transformation still. OH I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT I am not a drinker at all and that night I drank a lot due to stress. On with the story. The 1.5 day stay did me good. Unfortunately, they put me on extra medication :( , but it gave me time to reflect about the fact that I actually ended up in Green Oaks after more than 10 years. I THINK IT'S OK TO HAVE EPISODES NO MATTER HOW FAR IN RECOVERY YOU ARE. It's a realistic reminder that I have a illness that I can not control, and that I will always have to struggle with it. Like all lifes problems, it too shall pass. While I was in Green Oaks, I did have an interesting stay. There was an obese man farting like it was his last day on earth. Mind you his ass crack was showing and his gut was hanging out accompanied by ," You selfish bastards" after we people in the hospital ( I don't like to use the word patients) told him to have some respect for everyone. In addition there was a woman who claimed to be military trained and said "one chop to the neck and you're dead" repeatedly to one of the techs because he wouldn't give her a toothbrush the minute she demanded. He was trying to help another person out with some sheets at the time, and he kindly told her he would help her in just a second. On top of that it didn't help when someone in the room said " B(*&^ you aint gon do ^&(&*^ you scary , you aint gonna fight nobody. I'll pimp the (*&^(&^ out of you acting like you tough. I'll put a (*&^&^ in your mouth. " I have no idea why no one said anything to him. Mind you he said it twice and it was not in a low tone. Well she ended up swinging at the tech and they ended up putting her in silent confinement. She was never hit , and I was actually impressed with the way the tech blocked her punches but did not hit her. Also I almost got into a fight with the guy saying he would pimp the for for trying to help him out when one of the other techs took his water bottle. Other things were a guy who I believe was having delusions or psychotic symptoms because he was talking to whatever he thought was going on or was there. They gave him a therozine shot and he pretty much went to la la land. I think it was good to me because it reminded me how far I have come in recovery, but I needed to see what the hospital was like again. It let me see how much has changed for the good and the better. For one, I think the way they handled us was better. I just didn't like how the techs and nurses wouldn't say things about everything just things that posed threats. I mean I did think it was uncalled for for that guy to say " I'll put a (*&^ in your mouth" out loud in front of all the woman. Other than that, I had good food , they had a HD tv and we watched movies on FX. I'm out and I'll be going to my Dr. tomorrow to follow up. It was refreshing to see what areas could improve and what was better. I felt like a mystery shopper. There's still a lot of work to do. I especially confirmed it when I realized there was no Spanish translators at certain times of the day and some of the people there needed translation. Luckily , I was there. So with that being said, I have much more info and up to date knowledge to base my goals on and have a better compass. I would love to write more but my mania wants me to work on creative material. Thank you for those who listened to my rants. The following is from a response I posted in reply to a pregnant woman asking how to deal with her bf that has bipolar. I myself am new to this, but I would really appreciate any advice what so ever on this. I have bipolar, and the only advice I have is that it's super duper hard. Remember the mood swings during 1st trimester. Well, that is a light version of having bipolar. It is so hard because a lot of the uncontrollable mood swings that my soon to be fiancee has happen to be my triggers. I know about my illness through NAMI. National Alliance for Mental Illness. They have a program called family 2 family , which is a free course for people who have loved ones with mental illness. It teaches how to understand the illness and help us get through it. Episodes for me happen everything I have new intense stress in my life. The financial responsibility with her not working has made me iarrate and a complete mess. Sad thing is, I know it's bad for the baby. Now, all I do when she gets mad or furustrates me, that to be on the safe side I just pray and stay quiet. I then try to leave or do some exercise /yoga /anything that I can grab onto as a lifesaver to save me from flying off the handle. It suck because It leaves me physically drained, to the point to where my body starts looking depressed. She knows about my illness and thanks to God, I've found someone who goes to NAMI with me and learns about this illness with me. I don't like having it anymore than she does. And, I accept that I have something out of my control must like she has accepted me. But not trying to defend your bf, but all I can say is that it is extremly hard to keep your cool over something that takes over your mind like addiction does the brain. These are the main times where I have a hard time keeping my esteem up becaue I feel like I;m hurting the ones I love and I have no breaks ,untill its's too late. It makes me feel like a complete damned useless burden at times. But, I know it's my disease and that it's my choice everyday to choose to foucs on my recovery. I STRONGLY SUGGEST A LOOK INTO THE NON PROFIT THAT SAVED MY LIFE . NAMI |
AuthorI am Juan. I live with Bi-Polar and ADHD. I am in recovery and want the same for all my peers. Archives
August 2014
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